believe in you

I don't know if it has something to do with me turning one year older or if it's just the sunless days we've been having lately. But for the last couple of weeks I've been waking up all stressed up to later find myself feeling low. I haven't done much working out, except for the usual light yoga and one-hour-power-walks that I force myself to.
And so one day I literally find myself crawling back into bed to just lay and stare into the ceiling. For two hours. Before lunch.
If you've ever had that feeling that you really don't want to do or create anything in this moment, you probably understand. Where was these feelings coming from, I can't explain.
It scared me a bit, but I'm a strong advocate of giving the body  and mind rest if it feels like it. Life is about ups and downs, and you wouldn't be human if you always felt like going out for a run.
The funny thing is that later that day (after staring at the ceiling for two whole hours) I got all excited that I couldn't even sleep!
The weekend before that I had watched a video of Lisa Nichols speaking about how her dream was chasing her and she didn't really recognize it because she was scared and thought she wasn't good enough for the next step in her self revelation.
Same day I buy a journal to write down my dreams, ideas, and gratefulness in, just as a collector of thoughts.
Now, I'm like many of us, a Big Dreamer. I don't know where I got it from, but I also carry a lot of self support and naivety. Which is quite rare for someone who's had it hard growing up - you would've thought that my past had beaten me down and taken away any self worth that I own? But I'm very thankful for the gift of laughter and always going my own way with my own music playing in my ears so I don't hear what other people think or react.
I wouldn't say I'm useless as a general worker, actually, I'm one of the best you could hire! I will always be there on time, finish last, care and be engaged, and never ever have any sick days. The thing is, with all that's going for me I feel it's not for me... and also I'm having a hard time getting hired haha Maybe because it's not really what I want in life ;)
I talk about my dreams daily with my family. Everyone's worried, what will ever come of me? And I say, don't worry, I have this Feeling, I can't put it into words and explain it to you or to myself even, but I do know what I want. And so I keep on explaining in small figures what I want in life. Ever since I was a little kid I've been telling people of how I want to become a writer, or someone independent. Anything that doesn't feel like Work, and that doesn't make me bound to someone above or even under me.
Have you ever had that feeling?
When I was fourteen I was playing with the Law of Attraction without even knowing it, nor had the book The Secret come out yet. I felt like I ruled the world because I was so in tune with it.
When looking back, everything I ever wanted has come true. Has it been handed to me with ease? Yes. But have I always received it with ease? No. Because getting what you most want in life can actually be very scary.
It's this scary thought that I don't deserve it, that it has sometimes gotten my dreams to come true later than sooner.
The biggest dream that has ever come true during my life time is the meeting of My True Love.
Even though I didn't finish with the best grades and was thrown out into the world of unemployment, I was so open and utterly happy when I finished High School, that it opened me to a new chapter in my life. I actually remember walking with one of my friends in Stockholm saying how extremely happy I am and if something new in my life is supposed to happen it should happen Now. Within two months I meet Peter, it was the scariest thing in my life to be honest - and a long beautiful story behind it all, but I'll tell you about it some other time! And within six months I moved at age nineteen just as I planned years ago. And just as I spoked proudly in High School, of how I wanted to be a stay-at-home-wife, this was possible for me too!
Now the dreams of being a writer, a stay-at-home-wife and being independent has so much things in common. And there's no better day of age than now to set it all into course.
It's spelled with an E, but I have difficulty to spell it, and with a love for anything F-sounding, so for me it means: Freedom.
Maybe stay-at-home-wife does seem like I've been watching too much of Real Housewives of X, but it has a deeper meaning + most of the Real Housewives has actually their own successful businesses, and that's exactly what I want too! But for me right then and there the wish was more for me to have some peace. I really needed time to work through some baggage, and stop identifying myself with my past and everything that surrounds me. I've had it so hectic and so much bad energy around me most of my whole life that these past four years has been a blessing!
The thing is, I just realized it a few months ago. That the pause I've been feeling in my life has been all for Me, because I needed it. Now that I feel like I've worked through the things that was preventing me from growing into the person I always wanted to be, I like Me again. I truly love that girl! And she's becoming more and more herself and recognizing the power she has. And so my life starts rolling again. And the signs keeps on popping up again. Things start to happen again. The Movie of my life starts feeling like a movie again.
And I feel so lucky, so blessed, and have never been more thankful for it!
I couldn't sleep that Thursday night. I kept on dreaming of a big screen asking me "Do you want to become successful? Press Here" And I would press without hesitation. Then I would wake up, fall asleep again, only to dream about it again. This happened on repeat. Throughout the night.
I've never in my life had a dream so literal, telling me that if I want to live my dream I have to wake up and live it! Dreaming is for sleeping people, if you truly want it you must Live your dream!
During the hours between my fixated eyes on the ceiling and my sleepless night of excitement my path became more clear.
This maybe won't sound much to you guys, and it didn't for me until I really thought about it.
I went on as usual with my forced power walk for lunch. I usually spend that time going through Kimberly Snyder's podcasts but this day I had listened to them all. I had another podcast subscription, Extreme Health Radio, which I downloaded three episodes of but didn't give time to go through them. As some kind of roulette I chose one of the three episodes, and as I walk I note down the things they talk about to check out when I come home. One of the things they talked about was Jess Ainscough (a.k.a The Wellness Warrior) and how she did about 10 coffee enemas a day at her worst, which I had no idea what it was - still don't actually!
I recall surfing by her website before lunch that same day, don't know why, but I didn't give her site much thought until...
I got home and the first thing I did was google myself back to the Wellness Warrior and there it was, a calling. Something about B-School.
 And with the words, "I drink green juice, eat an organic dit, and I meditate; however the thing that adds the most weight to my wellness regime is the fact that I do something I love every single day"
I was pretty much hooked. I felt a deep connection.
Now I may be falling for the biggest media trick in the history, or I'm just following my gut and the signs here.
Because, it didn't feel right until I really thought about it.
I already browsed by her website and it didn't mean anything to me.
I could have just listened to music.
I could have just taken an iPod-less walk as I've done many times before.
It couldn't be about Coffee Enemas, it doesn't even sound like something I should be doing?!
I needed a closer look.
The Universe was telling me to take a closer look.
And when I did, I felt the biggest alignment and excitement I have ever felt in a very long time.
I felt love, I felt happiness, I felt excited, I felt fear, and I did cry a couple of times.
Because I knew this was something I wanted to do and needed to do Now.
I felt that money wasn't the biggest object.
The biggest obstacle and fear would be in this case Me; if I ever doubt myself. I couldn't let that happen.
B-School happens only once a year, and I knew I didn't have time to waste until 2015. Who knows what I'm doing then and what I'm feeling then? I want to do this Now, I know that I am ready for it. And for once during my four years of applying for different jobs and schools there was actually a seat for me to join!
Something you don't know about me, is that I have applied to go to B-School at my local Job Bank (Arbetsförmedlingen) that has a course on it, but they haven't settled for a starting date yet.
So it's something I've been telling everyone that I want to do and I'm waiting for the opportunity. It's supposed to begin this spring, but after months of not getting a starting date I feel like it's not happening and that I have to take things into my own action.
So my intention and emotion was telling the World I was going to take a Business School Course this spring, and so the Universe delivered. I just didn't know I'd be going to something that looks like an awesome B(lieveing)-School!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
I'm adult enough to know the importance of Thanks, and so I also want to thank You guys for following me and reading my blog. You are the inspiration. Because this isn't about me, it's about You. It's the world I want to please and be in service. I don't really know how yet, but I do know I really want to get my act together and live my dream life and help others on the way, because I've gotten some of the best help in my life that I'm forever grateful of.
I've talked about this before, I have Big dreams and plans for Frivolous Girl, I see value in her and I want her to grow somehow.
Now on the side dish, me and my hubby have a project going on that started with a simple bag of organic bananas, which we hope to get running this year! As long as I got my visions, my drive force, and You guys, I'm hoping to make magic happen!
One organic banana at a time...

Peace, Love & Banana Ice-Cream

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